The maid of honor just puked.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Less talking, more tequila
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I enjoy the company of your penis
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
