Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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