I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize