I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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