you guys were way drunker than both of me
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
