I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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