Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
