Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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