But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize