I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
we should paint friendship bongs
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