The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
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