Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You pole danced in your parka.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize