I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize