If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
