im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
