Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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