I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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