I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
