Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize