this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize