And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
