I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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