We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
