Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
