since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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