Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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