dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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