My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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