im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize