They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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