I'm eating all of the evidence.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize