Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
How external is "for external use only"?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
