I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize