I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize