SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
