My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize