I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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