I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
