I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize