it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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