I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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