I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
