Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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