I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
