dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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