I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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