I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize