Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
