dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
