After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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