Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize