I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
