I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
