she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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