My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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