he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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